I need lists. I feel organized writing everything down in one place.

But looking at lists also gives me an incredible sense of dread- I never, ever get my to do list accomplished. Things will stay on my google task lists for months. And I see those tasks, everyday. It’s like they’re taunting me, saying “I’ll stay here forever! You’ll never finish me!”

There’s a nice sense of relief when I cross something off my list. But it’s overshadowed by everything else on the list.

Organization is necessary and hard for me. I get detracted by everything- twitter, email, facebook (omg- I haven’t looked at facebook in weeks) chats. I have yet to find a good organization method that works for me. I should spend time researching organization methods, but as soon as a have a few minutes to do something I decide other projects, like my web site, are more important to do right now.

Lists represent to me how unorganized things in my life are. They sit there, all filled out and ready to go, but nothing happens. And I’m constantly thinking about new things that should go on my list so I don’t forget to do them. But inevitably I’m driving or doing something else that prevents me from from writing them down. And then I forget. I’ll remember later that there was something I needed to add to the list, but I can’t remember what it was. Remembering there was something you needed to remember, but not what it is, is frustrating.

It’s just like the pile of mail that sits on my coffee table. I get the mail every few days, sort through the junk and open everything up. Then I put the non-junk mail in two piles: things that are interesting (like magazines) and things I need to take care of (like a bill from my doctor).

And then I put the two piles on the coffee table, on top of piles from previous days and weeks. I tell myself I’ll take care of the take-care-of pile as soon as I have a few free minutes. But then as soon as I do, the pile looks to big and overwhelming and full of things I don’t want to deal with, and I decide I should do something else. And then I get lost in twitter, because that’s easier than dealing with the mail and closer than the other thing I decided to do instead.

There are things I want to do everyday. I feel like I should do them. That I’ll be a more well-rounded, sane and relaxed person if I do. And I think if I were organized and motivated enough, they’d be no problem to accomplish everyday.
– get up early. like 6:30.
– work out
– do yoga
– read the news. Really read the news.
– cook
– learn something new in CS4
– write
– apply for jobs.
– read something for fun
– sing

So you can imagine the stress I put on myself when I don;t do these things. Which is practically never.

If I could find a way to organize my self, my thoughts and my priority list, I could get rid of this extra stress. Which no one needs.